Hi, I a woodlander, and I'm a vermin!
by Wandering outlaw
Summary: Parody of mac and pc videos. Matthias and Kudra talk about love and death.
1. Martin and cluny

A brown field mouse with a fancy looking sword stood next to a larger rat with one eye.

"Hi, I'm Martin the warrior." The mouse introduced himself.

"I'm Cluny the scourge." The rat waved his bladed tail.

Martin eyed the weapon nervously and contemplated pulling his blade own out as well, but a quick glance to the right showed a mouse with a sword strapped to his back that looked suspiciously like a chainsaw told him otherwise. "I'm a woodlander."

Cluny didn't notice martin's nervousness. "And I'm a vermin."

Deciding to start things off simple, Martin got this off smoothly, "So, you had a bell dropped on you." Cluny grunted.

"Cheap shot." Martin raised a brow.

"How is that a cheap shot?" He asked, slightly defending his spiritual descendant.

Cluny rolled his eye, "Maybe you didn't read the book. Matthias DROPPED a freaking bell on my head."

"You're bigger and stronger then him!" Martin called out, "It's only natural that-"Cluny cut him off.

"Natural? I don't see how that fight was even fair to start with!"

"You mean with that one eye?" Martin taunted.

Cluny was resisting the urge to pummel the mouse, and was losing, badly. "Yes, with my one eye, as I was saying-" Another cut off.

"How did you lose that eye anyway?" Martin asked out of the blue.

"I lost it in battle when it was stabbed by a pike!" Cluny explained furiously.

"What happened to the pike wielder?" Martin was beginning to lose his cool as well.

"I don't know! Brian Jacques never wrote about him!"

"Wow that's real threatening Cluny." Martin turned his head to the camera, "Hey kids," He spoke as though he was talking to a bunch of dibbuns. "Did you know Cluny the loony had his eye poked out? And he didn't even know what happened to the pike guy! Probably because he was too busy crying his EYE out."

Cluny's nostrils flared. "I did not cry like some little dibbun!"

Martin had a counter, "You're right, for all we know, you ran off as fast you can crying for your mommy."

Cluny's paw went for his sword. "Are you implying I'm a wimp?"

Martin's went for his. "Brilliant deduction. Idiot."

Cluny drew. "You wanna fight?"

So did martin. "I'd thought you never ask!"

VRRRROOOOMMMM

The two arguing beast swiftly turned to a ticked off Clint holding a fully revved up chainsword.

"If there's any bloodletting around here, it's come from me! NOW APOLOGIZE!" Needless to say, Martin and Cluny shook paws.

"I'm terribly sorry and hope you live a nice life with rose!"

"Likewise and I hope you get back your other eye!"

"Shall we run?"

"Lets!"

And with that, Martin and Cluny took off out into the woodlands. When they left however, the camera swerve to Clint.

"Remember kids, violence is never the answer. Unless you have a chainsaw." And with that oh-so helpful note, the lights dimmed.

* * *

A/N: I've been getting reviews about the pike wielder. I want to point out while yes it is a fish, it is also a long, spear like weapon used for counter measure against cavlary assaults. In other words, its a really long spear.


	2. Matthias and Kudra

A brown field mouse in a robe with a fancy sword stood next to a pure female ferret with an air of, 'I'm am your better.' She also had a saber.

"Hello. I'm Matthias, redwall champion, father and grandfather of Martin the second and Mattimeo." The mouse introduced himself politely and in a kind tone. The ferret and the other hand…

"Greetings, future slaves, I ve Princess Kudra. Your soon to ve master." The ferret said arrogantly.

Matthias stared at her for a moment before turning his head back to the camera. "I'm a woodlander."

"I ve vermin." Kudra gave a toothy grin.

"So, how'd you die?" Matthias asked out of curiosity.

"Oh, vouldn't you like to know?" Kudra sneered.

Matthias raised a paw in a 'clam down' fashion. "It was just a question."

Kudra raised a brow, "Oh, and how you veel if somebeast asked you how you'd died?"

Matthias' answered caught her off guard, "I would calmly tell him or her that I died peacefully of old age with Cornflower."

Truth be told, kudra didn't expect him to answer that way, in fact, she expected him to say something like, 'I wouldn't like it,' or, 'not very much.' But thanks to long hours of playing poker with every other deadbeast out there. Kudra managed to hide her surprise.

"Oh veah, I died in my lover's arms too, oh wait I didn't have von." Matthias seemed to be honestly surprised by this.

"Really? I thought you had that fox with the cut off tail." Kudra rolled her eyes.

"Oh please. That dummkopf vouldn't give a deadbeast flowers even if you paid 'im to."

"But doesn't he keep calling you 'dearie,' or, 'beauty?"

"Vas sarcastic, besides, he is vay too old and _fat_ for me."

Just then, the studio east doors were barged open by a peeved off looking Plugg firetail who looked ready to tear the Princess apart limb by limb. "YOU-" Plugg began to say, but the next paragraph of words were strangely bleeped out. In fact, that was all Matthias and Kudra were hearing. Taking a glance over to the right, they saw Clint raise a brow and put a paw over his ears every so often, suggesting that Plugg was saying very bad words in a very creative way.

Plugg could've gone on for another hour, but he was cut off by the crack of a gunshot. Suddenly kneeling on one leg, Plugg, being a fictional character, didn't die or be seriously injured. He did however, let out a firestorm of curse words again. The shooter, Clint, whistled very calmly as he walked across the stage with a smoking pistol in hand…err paw. Grabbing the fox by the tail, the mouse dragged him outside the studio, (but had to stop temporary to grab another part of the fox. Seeing as how his tail plopped off.)

Matthias turned back to Kudra, "So how did you die?"

Kudra shrugged, "Vell on me sword."

"Oh…did it hurt?"

"Very much."

"Hm."

* * *

A/N: If your interested in what the word dummkopf means: it's German for "Stupid person." And if you look at Kudra's accent and the German one, there are some similarities, no?

Also, no foxes with their tails chopped off were harmed in the making of this chapter. Oh that reminds me! I have to reload…my…pistol.

Crap.

Put the cinderblock down. We don't have to-*Is pummeled by every Plugg fan out there* OW OW! PAIN! ENOUGH! QUIT IT! OW! *Now black, blue, and bleeding heavily.* Ouch…


End file.
